Jokes Aside

Last week my shrink asked me if i heard voices in my head.     I told her no, but that i could hear the voices in HER head.     She didn't laugh, so I diagnosed her with having HDD. She   asked what that was? I told her that HDD was humour           deficit disorder!  and she had a bad case of it. 

What's the difference between a psychologist and a magician?
A magician pulls rabbits out of hats, whereas a psychologist pulls habits out of rats.

"Doctor," said the receptionist over the phone, "there's a patient here who thinks he's invisible."

Psychologist: "Well, tell him I can't see him right now."

A man was walking in the street one day when he was brutally beaten and robbed.
As he lay unconscious and bleeding, a psychologist, who happened to be passing by, rushed up to him and exclaimed, "My God! Whoever did this really needs help!"

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press - no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on line.
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

(Source: PsychologyJokes)

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