Forced Reflection: Learning the art of Observing without Judging

I once lived in a place where power outages were constantly expected. Every time it happened, a sweet silence befell the single roomed apartment that was my abode. But this silence was short-lived as people attempted to drive away the silence and restore the noise. First, it came from Ras Kienjos house. He had a huge speaker connected to a mobile phone lookalike held together by a rubber band, the speaker was then placed facing downwards on the mouth of a clay pot. ‘Born to suffer’ the song went first, and in a short time, there was some kind of sound coming from dark rooms. It was if everyone was scared of sitting still in a quiet room. I was no exception, but for me, the sound was coming from me, as I croaked the silence away in utterly uninspiring religious tunes; story for another day. The point it, we couldn’t live with our own thoughts about ourselves, our situations. By not appreciating the wonder that is silence, we could not hear the still small voice that is wisdom. It is true what Walter Bagehot said;

“Inability to stay quiet is one of the most conspicuous failings of mankind.”

Indeed, we may have come from the Stone Age, a good move, but here we are now in the Noise age. How do we move? Ours is a time when silence is an endangered species. The human species makes every attempt to cover up the voice (and sometimes the void) of their inner world with the noise of their outer world. But that can only last for so long, then we are thrown into situations such as a hospital bed, a broken relationship, and such as force us to look back, look within, and reflect. Fast forward to 2020, in my wildest guesses, I wouldn’t have guessed that almost half of the world would be forced to STAY AT HOME, and in the name of quarantine, confront their personal situations  (and well, their spouses). So, what do we do when we are forced into a reflection mode? Here, I share one idea.

The art of observing without judging

It is okay while you stay at home to once in a while explore the thoughts in your head, and look through the clatter in your mind. It is healthy to explore where you have been, things you have done, and felt you shouldn’t have, or things you failed to do and felt you should have. It is okay to see where life has brought you, BUT, the trick is simple; EXPLORE, BUT TRY NOT TO EVALUATE. OBSERVE, AND TRY NOT TO JUDGE the various situations AS GOOD OR BAD. LIFE JUST IS. THINGS ARE JUST THE WAY THEY ARE. And ALL THINGS have a way of WORKING TOGETHER FOR GOOD. Just KNOW YOUR ANCHOR, that is, your MAIN MISSION in life. And every time you are forced to reflect and find yourself in an evaluative or judgment mode, refuse to pass any judgement to how life has been so far (she is…, he is…, it is…, life is…., my career is…,) but rather go back you your anchor, and let every experience you have had in life count, as you go on with you MAIN MISSION.  Because everything that has happened in life is what brought you HERE, exactly where the universe needed you to be TODAY, and for the best expression of your next phase in life.

However, your next level requires that you do away with labels. Yielding to the habitual flow of judgmental thoughts makes it difficult to find any peace within ourselves.

Take me BACK to the FUTURE

LIFE IS GETTING COMPLICATED. I WANT TO BE A CHILD AGAIN. I want to go back to when there were not Seven Wonders of the World, but seven million of them. When birds were a wonder, butterflies were a wonder, wild flowers were a wonder, seasonal streams were a wonder, rain, lightning and thunder were wonders which the universe served to use in triplets.  You see, childhood is where the future happened, until we grew up, and then we had a past. I want to go back to childhood purity not yet spoiled by mundane affairs. When my dreams didn’t matter in size, but in thrill. Take me back to the futuristic past, when I believed, and cared nada about the ridicule of not accomplishing the very things I said I would.

DON’T GROW UP, IT’S A TRAP! Whether you are a citizen in a first world country of a refugee in foreign country, we all had dreams as children. And what is even better is that we actually believed in the beauty of those dreams. We had the images in our imagination right, the energy right, the faith right, the zeal right, but then, we grew up, got introduced to what is ‘right’ to pursue, and all we had left, as we adulted, and ‘became more realistic’ And sometimes we only feel as shells of the amazing children we were, but there is hope.

EVERYDAY LIFE OFFERS US AN OPPORTUNITY TO PURSUE OUR AUTHENTIC DREAMS. Today offers you an opportunity to RE-MEMBER (get connected back to) and REKINDLE YOUR CHILDHOOD DREAMS, and a SENSE OF WONDER. Yes, it is time to rekindle the flames of childhood dreams that the winds of time have since blown and extinguished!

Go back to the amazing future you dreamt of as a child, before growing up trapped you!

Never take defeat seriously, except when it’s a teacher!

There is no one individual who has all the requisite knowledge, experience and wisdom to insulate them against defeat. At one point or another, defeat breaks in, even when we are not ready to open the door. And even when our faith has been strengthened, success has been expected and fully prepared for. Defeat shows up to dine with you at the very table you were waiting on victory. That is no time to quit. For TODAY’S LOSER, IS TOMORROWS WINNER!

Defeat happens when one fails to attain a goal they very much wanted. Defeat ends when we gather the courage to launch into another battle. Defeat doesn’t define, it develops.

In the wisdom of napoleon hill, when defeat comes, accept it as a signal that your plans are not sound. Rebound those plans and set sail once more towards your coveted goal. This time …WiSER!

CREATIVE WORK RELIES on COURSES OFFERED ONLY AT FAILURE UNIVERSITY

Who runs the world? GIRLS? …a case for Emotional Intelligence

And while I might have titled this article in a way that sounds Beyoncé-ish, I have also heard that hips don’t lie, well, that is quite Shakira-ish, but I cannot confirm that hip-allegation either. What I do know for sure is that, lips do lie, a lot, so let’s talk about what doesn’t; RESULTS, because I am a strong believer in tests and measurements. For example; the Forbes magazine recently presented research findings that “an increase of women in leadership is helping businesses to thrive in unprecedented ways” And according to a recent CNBC survey, Women-led companies have more engaged and inspired employees. And as if that is not already a mouthful of a claim, a research focusing on top grossing movies between 2014 and 2017, found that global box-office movies with women protagonists out-earned movies starring male protagonists across all budget levels. Come to think of it; could that be why they say ‘behind every successful man is a woman? …and which could soon turn to, ‘behind every successful company is a lady? While you hold that thought, who REALLY runs the word?

The waves of feminism have given birth to the rise and rise of women who have shown anyone who still doubts that woman are indeed equal to the task of taking charge of their own destinies. That, when given the opportunity of taking charge of the destinies of companies and countries, and even when such opportunities are not given to them, yes, they have also shown beyond any doubt that they can put up a good fight, and emerge with the victory. Indeed Whitaker was right;

“The true wealth of a community is measured by how carefully it listens to its women and how sincerely it values their wisdom. Empowering women empowers us all”

Whereas sayings to the effect that “If you educate a man, you educate an individual, but if you educate a woman, you educate a nation” soon turn into clichés and statements made for political correctness, they hold fundamental truths that that relate to the success of a people, families and nations. There is something in such maxims that women and ‘we men’ could borrow a leaf from. So, why are women-led companies better for employees, making more money, and thriving more compared to others? Well, what if such differences could just be traced the some differences between men and women?

There are no enough forests with enough trees to produce enough paper upon which to write everything we currently know about women, leave alone their comparison to men, so I think this is a good place to get emotional. And you wonder why? It is because psychological researchers seem to agree that compared to men, women are different from men their emotional expressiveness. Emotional expression simply refers to how one resolves and/ or conveys emotional states through both verbal and nonverbal behavior. In this regard, the most recent buzz-word in the corporate world as far as emotions are concerned is Emotional Intelligence (EQ), which is ‘the ability to identify, assess, and control one's own emotions, the emotions of others, and that of groups’ And what has this to do with what? CURRENT RESEARCH HAS SHOWN THAT WOMEN SCORE HIGHER THAN MEN IN EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE. …yes, there you have it!

Emotional intelligence involves four competences which fall into two groups: (i) Personal competences: involve (a) Self-awareness, (b) Personal management; and (ii) Social competences: involve (c) Social awareness and (d) People skills. It seems that ‘a flawed masculinity with a low EQ’ may never such abilities as important, yet they seem to be more developed among women who seem to possess a ‘care givers gene’ at early stages as they learn how to take care of their baby dolls. 

Emotions are the primary drivers’ of behaviour, and knowing how to work with our motions and those of others is a key skill. Instead of trying to aggressively fight their way up by outdoing everyone, people of high EQ become the leaders who work with and help people in whatever capacity they are in, understanding that supporting other people is the only way to win their trust and respect, while at the same time making sure that winning respect is not the goal. Where individuals of low EQ work with their hands and heads, individuals with of high EQ work with their hearts and soul. They are polite, kind, cool, calm, and collected even under pressure, and have learned the importance of investing in social currency. We all can master such skills for one reason, they matter both at a personal level and at a professional level, whether you are employed, self-employed or an employee, EQ is a foundation for many other critical life skills.

The Neuroscience of Happiness: The 4 rituals

You get all kinds of happiness advice on the internet from people who don’t know what they’re talking about. Don’t trust them.

Actually, don’t trust me either. Trust neuroscientists. They study that gray blob in your head all day and have learned a lot about what truly will make you happy.

UCLA neuroscience researcher Alex Korb has some insights that can create an upward spiral of happiness in your life. Here’s what you and I can learn from the people who really have answers:

1) The Most Important Question To Ask When You Feel Down

Sometimes it doesn’t feel like your brain wants you to be happy. You may feel guilty or shameful. Why?

Believe it or not, guilt and shame activate the brain’s reward center.

Via The Upward Spiral:

Despite their differences, pride, shame, and guilt all activate similar neural circuits, including the dorsomedial prefrontal cortex, amygdala, insula, and the nucleus accumbens. Interestingly, pride is the most powerful of these emotions at triggering activity in these regions — except in the nucleus accumbens, where guilt and shame win out. This explains why it can be so appealing to heap guilt and shame on ourselves — they’re activating the brain’s reward center.

And you worry a lot too. Why? In the short term, worrying makes your brain feel a little better — at least you’re doing something about your problems.

Via The Upward Spiral:

In fact, worrying can help calm the limbic system by increasing activity in the medial prefrontal cortex and decreasing activity in the amygdala. That might seem counterintuitive, but it just goes to show that if you’re feeling anxiety, doing something about it — even worrying — is better than doing nothing.

But guilt, shame and worry are horrible long-term solutions. So what do neuroscientists say you should do? Ask yourself this question:

What am I grateful for?

Yeah, gratitude is awesome… but does it really affect your brain at the biological level? Yup.

You know what the antidepressant Wellbutrin does? Boosts the neurotransmitter dopamine. So does gratitude.

Via The Upward Spiral:

The benefits of gratitude start with the dopamine system, because feeling grateful activates the brain stem region that produces dopamine. Additionally, gratitude toward others increases activity in social dopamine circuits, which makes social interactions more enjoyable…

Know what Prozac does? Boosts the neurotransmitter serotonin. So does gratitude.

Via The Upward Spiral:

One powerful effect of gratitude is that it can boost serotonin. Trying to think of things you are grateful for forces you to focus on the positive aspects of your life. This simple act increases serotonin production in the anterior cingulate cortex.

I know, sometimes life lands a really mean punch in the gut and it feels like there’s nothing to be grateful for. Guess what?

Doesn’t matter. You don’t have to find anything. It’s the searching that counts.

Via The Upward Spiral:

It’s not finding gratitude that matters most; it’s remembering to look in the first place. Remembering to be grateful is a form of emotional intelligence. One study found that it actually affected neuron density in both the ventromedial and lateral prefrontal cortex. These density changes suggest that as emotional intelligence increases, the neurons in these areas become more efficient. With higher emotional intelligence, it simply takes less effort to be grateful.

And gratitude doesn’t just make your brain happy — it can also create a positive feedback loop in your relationships. So express that gratitude to the people you care about.

(For more on how gratitude can make you happier and more successful, click here.)

But what happens when bad feelings completely overtake you? When you’re really in the dumps and don’t even know how to deal with it? There’s an easy answer…

2) Label Negative Feelings

You feel awful. Okay, give that awfulness a name. Sad? Anxious? Angry?

Boom. It’s that simple. Sound stupid? Your noggin disagrees.

Via The Upward Spiral:

…in one fMRI study, appropriately titled “Putting Feelings into Words” participants viewed pictures of people with emotional facial expressions. Predictably, each participant’s amygdala activated to the emotions in the picture. But when they were asked to name the emotion, the ventrolateral prefrontal cortex activated and reduced the emotional amygdala reactivity. In other words, consciously recognizing the emotions reduced their impact.

Suppressing emotions doesn’t work and can backfire on you.

Via Your Brain at Work: Strategies for Overcoming Distraction, Regaining Focus, and Working Smarter All Day Long:

Gross found that people who tried to suppress a negative emotional experience failed to do so. While they thought they looked fine outwardly, inwardly their limbic system was just as aroused as without suppression, and in some cases, even more aroused. Kevin Ochsner, at Columbia, repeated these findings using an fMRI. Trying not to feel something doesn’t work, and in some cases even backfires.

But labeling, on the other hand, makes a big difference.

To reduce arousal, you need to use just a few words to describe an emotion, and ideally use symbolic language, which means using indirect metaphors, metrics, and simplifications of your experience. This requires you to activate your prefrontal cortex, which reduces the arousal in the limbic system. Here’s the bottom line: describe an emotion in just a word or two, and it helps reduce the emotion.

Ancient methods were way ahead of us on this one. Meditation has employed this for centuries. Labeling is a fundamental tool of mindfulness.

In fact, labeling affects the brain so powerfully it works with other people too. Labeling emotions is one of the primary tools used by FBI hostage negotiators.

(To learn more of the secrets of FBI hostage negotiators, click here.)

Okay, hopefully you’re not reading this and labeling your current emotional state as “Bored.” Maybe you’re not feeling awful but you probably have things going on in your life that are causing you some stress. Here’s a simple way to beat them…

3) Make That Decision

Ever make a decision and then your brain finally feels at rest? That’s no random occurrence.

Brain science shows that making decisions reduces worry and anxiety — as well as helping you solve problems.

Via The Upward Spiral:

Making decisions includes creating intentions and setting goals — all three are part of the same neural circuitry and engage the prefrontal cortex in a positive way, reducing worry and anxiety. Making decisions also helps overcome striatum activity, which usually pulls you toward negative impulses and routines. Finally, making decisions changes your perception of the world — finding solutions to your problems and calming the limbic system.

But deciding can be hard. I agree. So what kind of decisions should you make? Neuroscience has an answer…

Make a “good enough” decision. Don’t sweat making the absolute 100% best decision. We all know being a perfectionist can be stressful. And brain studies back this up.

Trying to be perfect overwhelms your brain with emotions and makes you feel out of control.

Via The Upward Spiral:

Trying for the best, instead of good enough, brings too much emotional ventromedial prefrontal activity into the decision-making process. In contrast, recognizing that good enough is good enough activates more dorsolateral prefrontal areas, which helps you feel more in control…

As Swarthmore professor Barry Schwartz said in my interview with him: “Good enough is almost always good enough.”

So when you make a decision, your brain feels you have control. And, as I’ve talked about before, a feeling of control reduces stress. But here’s what’s really fascinating: Deciding also boosts pleasure.

Via The Upward Spiral:

Actively choosing caused changes in attention circuits and in how the participants felt about the action, and it increased rewarding dopamine activity.

Want proof? No problem. Let’s talk about cocaine.

You give 2 rats injections of cocaine. Rat A had to pull a lever first. Rat B didn’t have to do anything. Any difference? Yup: rat A gets a bigger boost of dopamine.

Via The Upward Spiral:

So they both got the same injections of cocaine at the same time, but rat A had to actively press the lever, and rat B didn’t have to do anything. And you guessed it — rat A released more dopamine in its nucleus accumbens.

So what’s the lesson here? Next time you buy cocaine… whoops, wrong lesson. Point is, when you make a decision on a goal and then achieve it, you feel better than when good stuff just happens by chance.

And this answers the eternal mystery of why dragging your butt to the gym can be so hard.

If you go because you feel you have to or you should, well, it’s not really a voluntary decision. Your brain doesn’t get the pleasure boost. It just feels stress. And that’s no way to build a good exercise habit.

Via The Upward Spiral:

Interestingly, if they are forced to exercise, they don’t get the same benefits, because without choice, the exercise itself is a source of stress.

So make more decisions. Neuroscience researcher Alex Korb sums it up nicely:

We don’t just choose the things we like; we also like the things we choose.

(To learn what neuroscientists say is the best way to use caffeine, click here.)

Okay, you’re being grateful, labeling negative emotions and making more decisions. Great. But this is feeling kinda lonely for a happiness prescription. Let’s get some other people in here.

What’s something you can do with others that neuroscience says is a path to mucho happiness? And something that’s stupidly simple so you don’t get lazy and skip it? Brain docs have an answer for you…

4) Touch People

No, not indiscriminately; that can get you in a lot of trouble.

But we need to feel love and acceptance from others. When we don’t it’s painful. And I don’t mean “awkward” or “disappointing.” I mean actually painful.

Neuroscientists did a study where people played a ball-tossing video game. The other players tossed the ball to you and you tossed it back to them. Actually, there were no other players; that was all done by the computer program.

But the subjects were told the characters were controlled by real people. So what happened when the “other players” stopped playing nice and didn’t share the ball?

Subjects’ brains responded the same way as if they experienced physical pain. Rejection doesn’t just hurt like a broken heart; your brain feels it like a broken leg.

Via The Upward Spiral:

In fact, as demonstrated in an fMRI experiment, social exclusion activates the same circuitry as physical pain… at one point they stopped sharing, only throwing back and forth to each other, ignoring the participant. This small change was enough to elicit feelings of social exclusion, and it activated the anterior cingulate and insula, just like physical pain would.

Relationships are very important to your brain’s feeling of happiness. Want to take that to the next level? Touch people.

Via The Upward Spiral:

One of the primary ways to release oxytocin is through touching. Obviously, it’s not always appropriate to touch most people, but small touches like handshakes and pats on the back are usually okay. For people you’re close with, make more of an effort to touch more often.

Touching is incredibly powerful. We just don’t give it enough credit. It makes you more persuasive, increases team performance, improves your flirting… heck, it even boosts math skills.

Touching someone you love actually reduces pain. In fact, when studies were done on married couples, the stronger the marriage, the more powerful the effect.

Via The Upward Spiral:

In addition, holding hands with someone can help comfort you and your brain through painful situations. One fMRI study scanned married women as they were warned that they were about to get a small electric shock. While anticipating the painful shocks, the brain showed a predictable pattern of response in pain and worrying circuits, with activation in the insula, anterior cingulate, and dorsolateral prefrontal cortex. During a separate scan, the women either held their husbands’ hands or the hand of the experimenter. When a subject held her husband’s hand, the threat of shock had a smaller effect. The brain showed reduced activation in both the anterior cingulate cortex and dorsolateral prefrontal cortex— that is, less activity in the pain and worrying circuits. In addition, the stronger the marriage, the lower the discomfort-related insula activity.

So hug someone today. And do not accept little, quick hugs. No, no, no. Tell them your neuroscientist recommended long hugs.

Via The Upward Spiral:

A hug, especially a long one, releases a neurotransmitter and hormone oxytocin, which reduces the reactivity of the amygdala.

Research shows getting five hugs a day for four weeks increases happiness big time.

Don’t have anyone to hug right now? No? (I’m sorry to hear that. I would give you a hug right now if I could.) But there’s an answer: neuroscience says you should go get a massage.

Via The Upward Spiral:

The results are fairly clear that massage boosts your serotonin by as much as 30 percent. Massage also decreases stress hormones and raises dopamine levels, which helps you create new good habits… Massage reduces pain because the oxytocin system activates painkilling endorphins. Massage also improves sleep and reduces fatigue by increasing serotonin and dopamine and decreasing the stress hormone cortisol.

So spend time with other people and give some hugs. Sorry, texting is not enough.

When you put people in a stressful situation and then let them visit loved ones or talk to them on the phone, they felt better. What about when they just texted? Their bodies responded the same as if they had no support at all.

Via The Upward Spiral:

…the text-message group had cortisol and oxytocin levels similar to the no-contact group.

Author’s note: I totally approve of texting if you make a hug appointment.

(To learn what neuroscience says is the best way to get smarter and happier, click here.)

Okay, I don’t want to strain your brain with too much info. Let’s round it up and learn the quickest and easiest way to start that upward spiral of neuroscience-inspired happiness…

 

Sum Up

Here’s what brain research says will make you happy:

·      Ask “What am I grateful for?” No answers? Doesn’t matter. Just searching helps.

·      Label those negative emotions. Give it a name and your brain isn’t so bothered by it.

·      Decide. Go for “good enough” instead of “best decision ever made on Earth.”

·      Hugs, hugs, hugs. Don’t text — touch.

So what’s the dead simple way to start that upward spiral of happiness?

Just send someone a thank you email. If you feel awkward about it, you can send them this post to tell them why.

This really can start an upward spiral of happiness in your life. UCLA neuroscience researcher Alex Korb explains:

Everything is interconnected. Gratitude improves sleep. Sleep reduces pain. Reduced pain improves your mood. Improved mood reduces anxiety, which improves focus and planning. Focus and planning help with decision making. Decision making further reduces anxiety and improves enjoyment. Enjoyment gives you more to be grateful for, which keeps that loop of the upward spiral going. Enjoyment also makes it more likely you’ll exercise and be social, which, in turn, will make you happier.

So thank you for reading this.

This article appeared on https://www.theladders.com/career-advice/neuroscience-4-rituals-happy

Rulers don’t play BY THE RULES …they play WITH THE RULES!

First, you MASTER THE RULES as you learn the discipline of self-control, you also begin to see patterns of how things work and relate, variations, causes and effects. With the mastery and in-depth understanding of how they work, you are able to BEND THE RULES; work with what works, tolerate what’s tolerable, bypass what makes the process longer and, WITHIN THE PRECINCTS OF ETHICS, ACCOMPLISH MORE IN A SHORTER TIME. Then a time comes, and even the bended rules become obnoxious …TIME TO BREAK THEM!

…often times, breakthroughs come after breaking the rules…

The Dalai Lama XIV once quipped; ‘know the rules well, so you can break them effectively.’ And that seems to be the mantra by which the greats live by; REFUSING TO BE HELD BACK, TIED DOWN, AND SLOWED BY NONSENSICAL RELIGIOUS DOGMA, TRADITIONAL BACKWARDNESS, INSTITUTIONAL AND POLITICAL BUREAUCRACIES WHOSE ONLY CLAIM TO CREDIBILITY IS THAT OUR FOREFATHERS LIVED BY THEM …and never made much impact!

‘A man's life is about keeping rules, breaking them, and making new ones’

Ogwo Emenike

I couldn’t agree more with Mandy Hale; “You’ll learn, as you get older, that rules are made to be broken. Be bold enough to live life on your terms, and never, ever apologize for it. Go against the grain, refuse to conform, take the road less traveled instead of the well-beaten path. Laugh in the face of adversity, and leap before you look. Dance as though EVERYBODY is watching. March to the beat of your own drummer. And stubbornly refuse to fit in.”

…there is social media STATUS, then there is your personal STATE

About 80% of the young people today, upon meeting a prominent personality, will most likely take a selfie for social media, because it boosts their status in the NOW, rather than grab the opportunity to get a word on how the said personality made it to prominence, which could BOOST THEIR STATE LATER in life. It is the tragedy of our time, that compared to the master guitarist or pianist, the guy who has no idea of what a guitar fret is, and knows not the difference between the black and white keys on the piano is 80% likely to post a photo holding a guitar or ‘playing’ a keyboard. This too have I seen in our social media STATUS rush times, that 80% of the people who take photos behind the car wheel, with the drivers door open, and clearly with no car key in the ignition key hole, can’t tell the difference between the clutch, the gas pedal, and the brake pedal.

I have nothing against social media, I met Isaac Maweu (the new newton) on social media, I discovered Lorna Muteti (the trooper) on social media, I first interacted with one of Africa’s great minds, Welly Odendo on Social Media, I have been hired from social media, sold and bought quality products and services on social media. The point is, NEVER MISS AN OPPORTUNITY TO IMPROVE YOUR STATE JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE IN A RUSH TO BOOST YOUR STATUS. Actually, never feel the urge to inform everyone of your status, but always URGE YOURSELF TO TRANSFORM YOUR STATE! When we meet you outside social media, be MORE than we know, not less than you have show!

Don’t do it for others …do it for yourself. Before you impress others with it …let it make an impression in you. Before it’s part of others …let it be part of you.  Internalize it before you externalize it. Refuse to live the 80% fake social media lie life supported by a weak 20% semblance of genuine. FLIP IT …go for above 80% REAL, and work it to 101% ...SUCH THAT IF WE EVER MEET YOU OUTSIDE SOCIAL MEDIA, YOU ARE MORE THAN YOU SHOW!